This article is written in the spirit of Valentine’s Day and discusses ‘sexual communication’. Is talking part of sexual intimacy? Indeed it is and let me tell you why.

Communication in any relationship is necessary, but sexual communication remains difficult for many people. We communicate our wishes on a daily basis from ordering our dinner in a restaurant to telling the painter what color we want in the kitchen, so what stops many of us from telling our partner what we would like sexually in our intimate moments together? Our partner is the person we share our life with. Perhaps it is a ‘generation gap’ as I have heard from those older than I that “we just didn’t do that” or, “we just knew” what our partners wanted by their body language? Were their assumptions correct? Perhaps. The belief that our partner, because they know us so well should “just know what I want sexually” would imply the ability to read minds and could be the cause of one, or of many disagreements or sexual concerns in a relationship. Could it be we feel too embarrassed, shy, or uncomfortable with the language needed to ask our partner to do something to us, for us, or us to them of a sexual nature? Consider, if we don’t ask or tell, how do partners TRULY know what feels good or doesn’t?

When I talk about sexual communication with my patients and their partners, I ask them if they are talking in general terms (“sure that would feel nice”) about what they would like sexually, OR exactly what is written in the white cartoon bubble that is above their head like we see in the comic strips (“I would like him to kiss me all over”). I often get a smile and a nod to this question.

Please don’t get the impression that sexual communication is just referring to ‘talking dirty’ because it is much more than that. It is being able to express ones thoughts and desires of sexual intimacy to a partner in an open, honest, and comfortable manner. Sexual intimacy is not just physical sexual activity, it is any expression whether physical (touching), verbal (I love you), or emotional (I am really attracted to him/her). When communicating this way, sexual communication has the ability to increase the openness within your relationship by getting to know your partner’s sexual wants and desires and them yours.

Some suggestions if I may…

• Let your partner know that you wish to communicate more sexually with them to make sure they are comfortable with this (they may have wanted the same for themselves). A suggestion to start the conversation may be “I love you with my heart and body and I want to love you with my words”.

• Start by saying the words you are thinking out loud to yourself, this lets you hear how they sound and become comfortable with them in your vocabulary. The words you use and how you use them is a personal choice, so experiment.

• Respect the differences in communication styles between men and women and remember that you are not striving for perfection here, nor is there a time limit.

• Start communicating sexually at a non-sexual time so that each of you has had a chance to listen to what the other is saying and learn without any distractions. This may also help you both to establish your comfort with the words you use and respectfully communicate. Use questions that have a “yes” or “no” answer to begin for example, “Would you like to be touched more”? When you are both comfortable with this, then try it during sexual intimacy.

• Sexual communication may make each of you feel vulnerable; therefore, care, respect, and trust for each other are of the utmost importance.

• Be patient with yourself and your partner as you start to incorporate sexual communication into your intimate lives.

• Practice, practice, practice…and have fun.

Shannon Griffin RN, BSN, MN

Men’s Health Associate/Sexual Health Clinician

Men’s Health Initiative of BC