The Steep Trail of Fatherhood
About three years after their Dad and I split up, my four daughters gave me a card and present on Father’s Day. I had been amply celebrated on Mother’s Day, but they decided that I needed to be recognised on Father’s Day as I had been filling this vacant role in our family for some time. “You are mum and dad to us”, they told me, and while I warmed to the validation of the parenting job I was doing, it was diminished by the sad truth that my children were missing out on so much.
The importance of fathers to the cognitive, physical, and social/emotional development of their children is amply documented. Research shows that fathers who are actively engaged in their children’s lives are themselves happier and healthier. We also know that families do better and are more likely to stay intact when fathers are willing, active participants in the lives of their children.
Nevertheless, our culture doesn’t make it easy for Dads. Stereotypes persist of fathers as tough, detached disciplinarians or as incompetent, emotionally distant sidekicks who may “babysit” and act as assistants to “the real parent”, competent, confident mothers. Our mother-centric culture has provided girls with ample grooming for their debut as mothers. We ought to be providing more support and affirmation to males for this pivotal position they occupy. We love our Dads and need them in our lives!
I never imagined parenting alone, yet that was essentially what I did long before my husband and I split up. The absence of partnership and his lack of involvement in parenting were sources of ongoing conflict. Eventually, when we split up in 1994, I imagined he would elect to parent more readily as he then had more time to himself. The opposite was true, and for many years he vacated the role altogether.
As the girls moved into their late teens and early twenties, he began to take more of an interest in them. However, it wasn’t until he was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2003 that fatherhood took on an entirely different meaning for him. He wanted to be with the girls, to learn about them, to understand who they were. Happily, they were able to return the attention and affection. When he died in 2005 they were left with some great memories of their Dad and the last eighteen months they had together.
To become a parent is to take out a lifetime subscription. I had no idea what I was getting into at the tender age of twenty-two. My daughter and son-in-law, older and wiser, took on the task two years ago and I watch with admiration as they navigate the sharp turns. Parenting really is like the West Coast Trail, unfolding before us…incessantly. When we think we are near the end, the trail begins all over again, except this time it tests us in different ways that we could not have anticipated. When anther child comes along, it’s still the West Coast Trail, but it’s a brand new route.
The scenery is constantly changing, and we never have any idea what the weather will do. One day we are knee deep in mud with heavy packs on our backs, climbing vertical ladders in torrential rain, with no hope of improvement in sight, while the next day we feel the sun on our backs, the spring in our step, and we are rewarded with a spectacular sunset. None of this has anything to do with all our planning, organisation and preparation. It has nothing to do with all the effort we expend, or how much we worry and agonise.
We beat back the bushes, repair the bridges. Fog rolls in, waves pound the shore, terrifying and thrilling us at the same time, threatening to sweep us off our feet. We recognise that we can’t and shouldn’t do this alone.
There are no shortcuts, and when we think nothing more can test our endurance, it does! We laugh and cry in the same minute. We forget most everything else in our lives. We are tired, our bodies feel broken and our clothes and hair are a mess. Interested in sex? You must be joking. What were we thinking when we got into this? A day back at work would seem to be a cakewalk by comparison.
We are grateful, we are brave, we are proud, we are joyful, we are humbled. We put aside all expectations. We relinquish the control we once believed we had. This is not about us. This journey is the richest and most complex experience that simultaneously brings us to our knees and propels us to our greatest heights.
Parenthood is indeed not for the faint at heart. It takes a second to conceive a child, but a lifetime to be a parent. June is our month for celebrating fathers. Let’s celebrate the fathers who are staying the trail, and taking in the sunsets along with the mud and mosquitoes!
Here’s to the fathers who are embracing fatherhood in a purposeful, intentional way. Here’s to the fathers who are showing empathic, nurturing, affectionate behaviour. Here’s to the fathers who are providing support to each other. Here’s to the fathers who are staying involved after separation and divorce. Here’s to the fathers who can be strong and sensitive. Here’s to the courageous fathers who are opening their hearts and communicating their love, and who will not be deterred from the vital role they play in the health and wellness of their children.
Happy Father’s Day, Guys!
Tessa Lloyd is a Victoria-based counsellor, writer, and photographer. She is currently working on a book entitled “The Fine Heart of Fatherhood”. She can be reached at tessalloyd@telus.net
